I haven't been honest about why I am practicing self-care. My husband and I are trying to get pregnant. It's weird to say that. I have been avoiding say that. The truth is I have been avoiding saying that because trying to get pregnant hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.
Once we got engaged there it was. Question after question- Are you guys gonna have kids? are you going to start right away? how many kids do you want? And when you are in the stage of your relationship where you are still thinking about the future it's easy to answer. Yes, Maybe, Four. But when the thoughts of our future came to the present it because more and more real how hard it was to now answer these same questions.
Most people that we talked to said that getting pregnant would be easy, 'it is going to happen faster than you think.' But for us that wasn't reality. We started with going to the doctor for a pre conception appointment, got a quick exam, and was told 'okay, call me when you get a positive pregnancy test.' It sounded simple enough. That same month I stopped talking my birth control and we decided that we would just have unprotected sex and if we get pregnant, we get pregnant.
We did this for a few months and started to get worried. Maybe we should actually try now. So- I started tracking. I track my period, my cervical fluid, my body temperature, ovulation test strip results, my sleep, my weight.
It's now month eight. I am still not pregnant. I only ovulate and get my period every other month. I watch my husband looking at kids differently, playing with them, observing them. I watch him get disappointed each month. I watch everyone I know get pregnant with no issues. I am defeated and I don't know what to do. I watch people watch me. I feel like I am in a fishbowl.
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